Grief and Fear

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” CS Lewis

Grief and Fear. Anxiety has plagued me my whole life. Looking back, I see it impacting my life from even a young age. Fear is not a stranger to me. However, when my father died unexpectedly, I began to face a whole new kind of fear.

Grief has the ability to feel suffocating. Fear has the ability to feel suffocating. Put them together and they’re a dangerous duo. Grief and fear are two things that have been etched into my life from the moment I heard the words that my father was gone. Grief and fear are some of my greatest enemies and sometimes they feel overwhelming & stronger than me. But then I realize that they are. Yes, you read that right, grief and fear are stronger than me. Because I am nothing without Jesus.

My Grief and my fear are often disastrously interlaced. It’s hard to have one without the other, at least in my experience. Especially losing my father so suddenly, the new fear that came with the grief of that loss was palpable.

I’ve written in the past about grief and anxiety but since I’m doing my “grief and…” series, I couldn’t talk about grief and its impact without mentioning the fear that has come with it. If you’d like to see my whole post of the fear and anxiety that comes after a sudden death- see that here. If you’d like to read my whole post on the battle that is dealing with anxiety and grief- see that post here.

But if I am honest with you my friend, my anxiety post grief is intense. The grief is consuming but the fear that accompanied it for me has almost broken me. I have intense health anxiety because of my grief. I have had intense anxiety about my family being safe since my grief.

Even now, over 4 years since losing my dad unexpectedly, I still feel that grief and fear so intimately. For me, the two seem forever intertwined. I have fear separate from grief…but my grief seems interlocked with new fears. Phone calls are no longer safe. Goodbyes are never guaranteed. And tomorrow might look completely different than your life looks at this moment. It is rather alarming just how much can change in a moment. My fight with grief and fear is ongoing but with counseling and most importantly, God, I am able to conquer it day by day.

Fear is often irrational and I’ve noticed my fear has become even more irrational when dealing with grief at the same time. But I think that is just part of the journey.

The quote I shared at the beginning by CS Lewis really describes the relationship between grief and fear – “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” They feel the same. They go hand in hand for a lot of people.

Not only are you fearful because of what you have lost but you are fearful of what is to come. The things your loved one will miss, the moments that will never happen. Even more bittersweet, is the eventual experience of having to move on in your life and keep living.

I wanted to mention a blog post I found while working on this post. Christina from Second Firsts wrote a post called “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” I recommend taking a read through her post if you are interested in hearing more people’s experiences with grief and fear.

If you’ve facing fear and anxiety after grief, you’re not alone. There are many of us on that same painful road. Even as a writer I find it hard to put into words some of the challenges I have been walking through with grief. I pray these posts help someone, somewhere.

Until next time friends,