I can remember every little detail.
The shoes that belonged to my cousins son that were left in the play area as we packed up everything and ran out after getting the call from my mom. The agonizing drive to the hospital, pleading with God to let him be alive. The terror in my sisters eyes as the doctor left us. The nurse getting the chaplain as we began to sob and scream. Standing over trash cans and toilets because I kept throwing up. Walking that hall to see you one more time. Then finally sitting on my grandparents couch after leaving the hospital and knowing I was in shock. How quickly are lives can change.
I don’t have a great memory with anything else, but that day is vividly sketched in my mind. Which made for some really awful flashbacks. My problem then became trying to imagine the things I wasn’t there for…the stuff I still can’t allow myself to imagine. You died at work for a reason- you never would have wanted us to see you like that. How do you forget the day that haunts your mind?
I’ve struggled the most with your last few moments. Did you know you were dying? Were you scared? We believe that you stepped instantly into heaven with no suffering. But my mind still aches to know those answers. God led me to two different phrases in worship songs not long after your death.
The song “Here Again” by Elevation Worship says this: Not for a minute, was I forsaken. The Lord is in this place. The Lord is in this place.
The song “Resurrecting” by Elevation Worship says this: The resurrected King is resurrecting me.
Elevation Worship wasn’t a band I knew of until after my dad died or knew of well at all. I believe 100% that God showed me these songs for a reason. The first phrase continually reminds me that my dad was NEVER alone. Even if we weren’t there for his final moments- God was. God wouldn’t forsake him, not even for a minute.
The second phrase gave me this beautiful picture. Your body laying on the ground and your spirit rising, taking Jesus’ hand as He stands next to you to bring you to heaven. I can see Jesus’ hand outstretched to you, beckoning you to come home. I don’t think we as humans can fully understand what entering heaven, resurrection, or eternal life but this picture gives me peace. Maybe it’s not how it happens, I won’t know till I get there. But God has given me thus picture to remind me that my dad wasn’t alone. And he’s now in a much better place.
I almost didn’t post this because it’s pretty personal. I open up a lot about my struggles but there are things about that day that few people know. We’ve barely spoken of the details of that day even as a family.
Today marks 2 years. 2 years without my dad. My dad will never see me walk down the aisle or meet his grandkids. My human side wants to focus on the things he will miss but the Christian in me is trying to focus on everything he was here for. As a Christian, I can grieve with hope. It doesn’t mean it’s easier but it does give us hope.
I love you daddy. I miss you more than words can express. We’re getting through it but we will never stop missing you.