I could simply sum up this grief update by saying, “grief still sucks.” I don’t really think that language is very professional, but with grief… I’m not sure what other words can try and sum it up any better. Grief sucks.
October 8th will mean another month has come and gone. Another month that we have continued to force ourselves to continue real life when we wanted to hide in bed. Another month without his voice or his hug. Another month where I have dealt with people who have no idea how crippling grief can be.
A phrase keeps running through my mind, and I have to remind myself of its truthfulness when I feel like we are the only ones who still grieve my dad…”my world stopped, while theirs continues.” In many ways, my life stopped on January 8th and I am still trying to get it going again. But for everyone else, their world has continued on with little if any change.
None of that is their fault, I would be the same. But one thing that this loss has taught me is that people need ministering to even weeks after the funeral. Once the cards get taken down, the flowers dry up, and the food in the fridge is finally gone…the family still needs your support. So for my update, I would say that we are still in the midst of heavy grief. And I know many of you might be feeling the same way.
I also realized that I believe God is prompting me to share about my grief journey in hopes of helping others. So I’m no longer apologizing for the repeated topic.
One thing that has happened lately is my intense longing to adequately express my thanks to some of the people who I remember vividly were rocks in my life in those first couple weeks. A simple “thank you” doesn’t seem to suffice. I let myself think about those people because if for only a moment, it brings a good side to the heartbreak of those first weeks after his death. For instance,
My cousin who drove my mom and me to the hospital and stayed with us once we found out. The person who hated hospitals but sat there for hours with us.
My “aunt” who dropped everything to come and hold us as we grieved in the hospital. Who helped us shop for an outfit for the service. Who came over and spent hours just doing anything we asked her to do.
My other aunt for bringing me hot tea and flowers because she knew they were my favorite.
Both of those aunts who held me as I cried during the family viewing. I couldn’t handle it as well as I thought and I had to back up, away from my mom, sis, and grandparents. But I wasn’t alone. My aunts stepped up and just held me.
My friend for letting me snuggle her newborn because baby cuddles can soothe any hurting heart. And who gave me a card full of scripture because she said no words of hers could do anything to help.
Cousins for driving in from out of town for the service.
It’s nothing that I could ever get out in person. While it seems so raw to share on a blog, I feel like people need to see that there are good moments in the midst of grief. And while you might feel like everyone has moved on…not everyone has and there are still people ready to hold you up.
It’s odd to have these horrible memories intertwined with these glimpses of faithfulness. But it is now that I see that God was in every moment.
The people I mentioned above are just a handful of the many that helped and have helped since that day. Those are ones that are forever embedded into my mind as gifts from God on what was the worst time of my life. There were dozens and dozens of people who went above and beyond that I want to thank as well.
From my family, we say thank you. Thank you will never seem adequate but we will say it anyway.