How do you celebrate Thanksgiving when you still feel completely broken? How do you remain thankful when you’re still in the middle of grieving? If I’m completely honest, I don’t know how to answer those questions. Today is a very complex day for my sister, mom, and I.

I never realized it was possible to be so thankful and so broken at the same time. I’m simultaneously so thankful for how far God has brought me and my family this year. But also so broken by everything we have had to endure.

Holidays without my dad, especially the first holiday season, seems impossible to handle. Just like most of the last year has seemed impossible. But just like most of the year, we will make it. I think there is a misconception about anxiety, depression, and grief…just because I am in the midst of grief and anxiety…it doesn’t mean that I don’t trust and rely on God.

God is the only reason we have made it this far. God is the only reason I can get out of bed. God is the only reason that I am celebrating with my extended family today instead of sitting in a dark corner like I would like to do. I am beyond thankful for everything that God has gotten us through and how He has never abandoned us for even a moment. But I am also still grieving and still broken, and God knows that. 

If you’ve ever dealt with grief during the holidays, you’ll know my mix of emotions. You’ll know how I can be both thankful and broken. As we head into the holidays, my family also draws closer to the one year mark of my dad’s death. To say we are barely holding on would be an understatement. But God knows my heart and He knows how we are hurting and He is holding us up.

So here’s to the people who are barely holding on this season, you aren’t alone. The Lord is closest to those with broken hearts.

If you’re dealing with grief, I have written a couple other honest posts about it- you can see them here.