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Grief

When I woke up on Monday, January 8th, I had no idea that in a few short hours it would become the worst day of my life. As I drove to my cousins & grabbed Chick-fil-A… I didn’t realize that within minutes my whole world would turn upside down.

At lunchtime I received a call from my mom, frantic voices over the phone telling me to get home, my dad was being taken to the hospital from work- something was wrong and it wasn’t good. The next hour was a blur. Throwing stuff in a car, speeding down the roads, picking my mom up. We were told the wrong hospital at first so we had to then load back up and go to the hospital where my dad was really taken.

A room. A private room. We’re pulled into a private room to wait and see what was happening. Tears falling, desperate cries to God, it can’t be bad, this is my daddy.

The doctor entered with a nurse. Stark and unreadable faces greet us. The next few words are words I have played in my head over and over again since that day…” he didn’t make it.”

What?

Surely they aren’t talking about my dad. We just watched a movie last night. He was getting over the flu, he was pretty healthy other than that. No, they must have it wrong.

My mom is yelling, my grandma is crying, my sister’s eyes hold pure fear and sorrow. I hear wailing and frantic “no’s” and I realize it’s me.

The doctor is saying something, but I can’t hear anything. The blood has drained from my body, the room is spinning, I’m going to throw up. My sister and I exchange terror filled glances. I don’t understand.

The next few hours are some of the most painful hours I’ve ever experienced. People come and talk to us. We text family. We sob. I throw up. We see his body. We cry. I almost pass out. We hold each other. We are confused.

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I never in a million years would have thought my daddy would be gone so soon. None of us did. But that’s the problem with this world…we aren’t promised tomorrow-we aren’t even promised this next minute. I’ve always understood that but I understand it on a deeper level.

The next few days are filled with panic attacks, tears, and pain I’ve never felt before. We made it through my daddy’s service, barely. My daddy was an occupational therapist and even his work held a separate little memorial service we were able to attend. But now that service is over, we are left with the resounding silence of finality.

“we are left with the resounding silence of finality.”

Most of you don’t know anything about my daddy, he was the most selfless man. I’ll try to do a post just on what he taught and showed me later on.

grief

Dealing with grief

Grief

For some reason, in my head, I thought the grieving would be less after the service-nope. Not at all. In fact, it’s almost more painful because we must now try to move forward. When I remember he’s gone, I have to calm myself down from a panic attack, almost every time. I still reach for my phone to text him. I still expect him to walk through the door.

I’ve learned that grief is very subjection. I doubt no two people grieve the same, it’s a very raw and personal cycle you must go through. God isn’t afraid of our questions- in fact, I think it’s probably a common step in the grief cycle. Here are a few things I wanted to mention about grieving:

  • If you do cremation and want to keep and urn-do it.
  • If you do cremation and want a necklace or blow glass piece with a tiny part of their ashes-do it.
  • If you do a burial but want it only family-do it.
  • If you do a burial and want to visit the gravesite sometimes to pray and talk with God -do it.
  • If you can’t handle a service and it’s up to you-don’t do one
  • Don’t let anyone tell you what is right and wrong when dealing with grief.

I have been hurt and put off my some peoples words about how grief should be. You cannot let someone dictate what is needed for YOU when you grieve. Unless it goes against scripture, I say don’t worry about anyone else’s misconceptions or thoughts on it. Sadly, in this world, most people will inform you when they don’t agree or don’t like something.

No one can tell you how to grieve. It's a personal battle between you and God. Do what you need to do. #grief Click To Tweet

Grief is between you and God. You and your family. And just you. It’s not the world’s business. So take the time you need. Cry as much as you want. Stay in your pajamas for a while. Whatever you need. I hope you never feel the pain I have felt in the last few weeks but know I will be there to pray for you if you do.

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Grief is personal but I also say use the {supportive} people around you. God has placed people in your path to help with things like this. There will be times you need them to leave you alone and times you need them instantly, the true friends will know that.

I’m still barely on the journey of healing from this rip of my heart. For my family, our dad was our rock, our provider, our man of the house. Imagining a life without him is utterly heartbreaking. This song has helped me and my family through these days:

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8 Comments

  • Reply Shante

    I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m praying that God will strengthen you and your family in this difficult time.

    January 21, 2018 at 5:42 pm
    • Reply hilaryparr2015@gmail.com

      Thank you so much.

      January 21, 2018 at 6:04 pm
  • Reply Nathan Presley

    Thank you for sharing this. Know that your faith and that of your families is an encouragement to me and many others. We can’t bear all your burdens but we do want you to lean on your church family. Please do not hesitate to do so. You’re a gifted writer. Keep using your gift to honor your dad and the Lord!

    January 21, 2018 at 8:28 pm
  • Reply Karla Prewitt

    Continuing to pray for you and your family…I know your pain is deep and I’m so very sorry, but I thank God that we have living hope in the promises of Jesus…you will be reunited with your dad again…what a glorious day that will be! I heard an old hymn today “When We All Get To Heaven”… thought of you and your family! ❤️

    January 21, 2018 at 10:27 pm
  • Reply Cindy Lantz

    My heart breaks for you and your family. Praying for your strength and comfort. I am here if I can help in anyway.

    January 21, 2018 at 11:30 pm
  • Reply Jane Wenk

    Great blog, grief is hard and different for everyone. Thank you for sharing

    January 22, 2018 at 1:06 am
  • Reply Gladys Garcia

    I have no idea how I bumped into your Facebook post which led me to your blog tonight other than God wanted me to see it and pray. So I am here, a total stranger in Florida, praying for a hurting sister. I have I haven’t lost any of my parents yet, just a very dear grandparent that was every good in the world, so I cannot begin to understand what you feel, but I know our Heavenly Father does and He will never leave you. I will be praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing such costly insight into this process that we will all experience at some point in our lives. God bless you! Hugs.

    January 23, 2018 at 3:57 am
    • Reply hilaryparr2015@gmail.com

      Ironically my daddy grew up in Florida. I love how God works 💗 thanks so much for commenting. Your kind words really ministered to me. So thank you for stopping by and sharing this with me. God bless you too.

      January 23, 2018 at 4:10 am

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