I don’t understand.
I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m sad.
I’ve got questions and no answers.
I don’t understand.
I’m going to get honest with you today. Normally W&W is pretty cheerful and positive; today it’s not. Today I’m going to just tell you what I’m feeling and what I’m working through.
Monday I received news that a dear friend, mentor, sister- is near the end of her fight against cancer. I don’t really have words to explain everything I felt in that moment, but I know one word stuck in my head, Why.
Why her? Why now? Why haven’t I been over to see her lately? Why does this happen? Why does she have to be dying now? Why, why, why…
Sunday night at church we sang “It is well,” and I struggled, even then, with those words because I found out I once again was passed over for a job I was highly qualified for. I was already mad that I keep hearing no after no.
God had been working in me and showing me that each no could be keeping me something harmful or that He has something better in store. And I had a moment with the Lord where I let those questions and frustrations linger; and I was once again reminded that HIS timing is the best.
Fast forward to today and I’m really struggling to say those words and mean them:
“Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say; it is well, it is well, with my soul.”
Yesterday, the impending death of a friend, was not well with my soul. The bitter feelings can creep so easily into our hearts if we don’t guard it.
Depression, anger, hatred, and frustration can easily be upon us if we don’t seek God. We must seek Him especially in these times.
One thing I’ve come to realize is God is not afraid of our questions and our anger. Spoiler alert: He already knows anyway. Sometimes, in certain moments, it won’t be well with our souls. Our human nature fights against our knowledge that God is good and has a purpose for our lives that is greater than what we can see.
What I can say is this: each prayer, each verse, and each moment with the Lord is allowing me the peace and the ability to say “It is/will be well with my soul.” I may not understand it. I may not like it. I may hate it. But God is still there; in control of everything and has a reason for this season of waiting and devastation. God is on the throne and working in our lives even when we don’t understand.
I am preaching this to myself ya’ll. I allowed myself a few days to let the news sink in and now I am really trying to focus on asking God what He wants to teach me during this time. Yes, I want a job desperately. NO, I don’t want to lose this friend…but I have to cling to God.
Kari Jobe wrote a lyric that says, “What if sorrow shakes my faith, and what if heartache still remains. I trust You, my God I trust You.” Let that speak to you today. Even if heartache remains and sorrow comes, we must continue to trust Him.
Maybe you, like me, are in a tough season right now; life keeps handing you one problem or heartbreak after another. Our human nature is to cast God off and blame Him, but we can’t! He is the constant good in our life–the reason for being. God is fighting for us an with us even when we can’t see what is going on.
We must learn to say “It is well with my soul” even when our flesh wants to say it is not. The song continues to say that God has taught us to say, it is well. Amen. I needed to hear that today. God asks for our complete faith and trust, not just faith and trust when we like what He is doing.
My prayer is that whatever my lot, I would praise and say it is well.
“A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4)
“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5)
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)
“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever” (Psalm 30:11)